Scared to Try Again

I'm going to really put myself out there with this post. No holds barred.

Brad and I decided, before I was even pregnant with Claire, that we would like our first 2 kids to be about 3 years apart. My brother and I are 4 years apart, and I thought that was too much. Of course, after we lost Claire, we threw that idea out the window. We knew we would try again right away. I needed to be pregnant again right away. After having Brady, I really needed to give my body a chance to get back to "normal". We were back to our original plan of waiting a couple years to start trying for a 3rd.

So here we are...quickly approaching Brady's second birthday. Brad and I have talked. We're still both on board with our plan. We're going to Hawaii in May, and I definitely don't want to be pregnant for that, so we'll probably start trying after we get back. That's in 3 months (insert "oh shit" face here).

To be 100% honest, I'm excited and terrified all at the same time. I really want another baby, and actually would love 2 more kids, but I am having some anxiety this time around. After Claire, there was no time to really think about things. We just tried right away, because that's what we needed to do. This time around I've had 2 years to think about being pregnant again. I have so much running through my head. How will Brady take it? Will I be so sick/tired in the first trimester that I won't be able to give him all of the attention he deserves? What if we have another girl? What if I carry a gene and have another baby with a heart defect? There's no way I could go through that again. What if I have GD (gestational diabetes) again and that causes a problem with the baby?

I know I absolutely want more babies, but I'm just so worried about being pregnant. I know it's normal after what we've been through. And I know I will be so stinking excited the day I see those 2 pink lines again. I have 2 great midwives that will talk me through every single worry I have. I have to keep telling myself we will have another healthy baby, maybe even 2 more healthy babies. Our angel is always watching over us.