I've planned on returning to work next week assuming all was well with my recovery. I figured I'd ease back into it with a short week. Since I have never been through this before, I wanted to make sure I had a check-up before going back to work just to make sure everything was healing correctly. Fortunately, everything looks great and is healing perfectly. Unfortunately, I have hemorrhoids. That would explain the uncomfortable feeling! I thought I was still sore from the tearing and stitches. I now have a prescription (for what, I'm not even going to say) so hopefully that will help. So...I guess I'm going back to work next week. I'm not 100% sure how I feel about that yet.
On another note, Claire would have been 3 weeks today. We went to the cemetery yesterday to decide on the color and design of Claire's headstone. Not something you ever imagine yourself doing. We decided on everything except for the saying that we want to include. I've done some googling but in the end we decided it needs to be something more personal. I'm sure I'll blog about it when we finally decide.
We love you baby girl!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Visit
Claire, we went to visit you today, but you probably know that already. Your daddy is so funny. He hates weeds. He couldn't stand the fact that there were weeds growing around you, so he had to pick them all. Hope you're having fun up in heaven. We love you.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Dear Claire
Dear Claire,
I think about you every day. We want you to know how much we love you. I find myself getting sad about all of the things that we didn't do after finding out about your heart.
I'm sorry that we never finished decorating your room. Your crib and dresser are set up and your room is painted, but we couldn't bring ourselves to hang the pictures that we bought or put up the letters spelling out your name.
I'm sorry that we never had a shower for you and that I returned the clothes I had bought before I knew you were sick. I just couldn't keep them knowing you would never be able to wear them.
I'm sorry that I kind of shut down and stopped being excited about being pregnant after we found out how serious your heart condition was. I guess I thought if I didn't let myself get too attached it wouldn't hurt as bad. I thought wrong.
I'm sorry that towards the end of the pregnancy I was secretly hoping that you would come a little early, so that we could get all of the hard times over with and start the healing process.
I'm sorry that I haven't dreamed about you yet. I yearn for the day that I see you in a dream so that I can see much fun you are having with all of the other babies in heaven.
Despite all of these things we love you more than words can express. We've loved you since the day we saw two pink lines. Another baby will never replace you. You will always be our first born and part of us will always be with you.
I think about you every day. We want you to know how much we love you. I find myself getting sad about all of the things that we didn't do after finding out about your heart.
I'm sorry that we never finished decorating your room. Your crib and dresser are set up and your room is painted, but we couldn't bring ourselves to hang the pictures that we bought or put up the letters spelling out your name.
I'm sorry that we never had a shower for you and that I returned the clothes I had bought before I knew you were sick. I just couldn't keep them knowing you would never be able to wear them.
I'm sorry that I kind of shut down and stopped being excited about being pregnant after we found out how serious your heart condition was. I guess I thought if I didn't let myself get too attached it wouldn't hurt as bad. I thought wrong.
I'm sorry that towards the end of the pregnancy I was secretly hoping that you would come a little early, so that we could get all of the hard times over with and start the healing process.
I'm sorry that I haven't dreamed about you yet. I yearn for the day that I see you in a dream so that I can see much fun you are having with all of the other babies in heaven.
Despite all of these things we love you more than words can express. We've loved you since the day we saw two pink lines. Another baby will never replace you. You will always be our first born and part of us will always be with you.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
1 Week
I can't believe it's been over a week already. I don't know where the time went. I feel like it's been longer since we've said good-bye. Time marches on I guess. A day hasn't gone by that I haven't cried, and I'm sure I have a while before that time comes. I really want to get out this house and go visit Claire, but I know I need to take some time to recover myself. Yesterday was the first day where I was actually able to relax and let my body heal. I'll take 40 weeks of pregnancy over this postpartum crap any day!
We miss you and love you Claire Bear!
We miss you and love you Claire Bear!
Claire's Memorial Service
We had Claire's service on Monday, June 13th. The funeral home has been great throughout the whole process. They unexpectedly took care of everything for us. The service was beautiful and thanks to mother nature, we were able to do the committal outside. It was a very hard day, but thankfully we were surrounded by our family and friends.
We incorporated a special reading about HLHS into the service that I want to share. I found this from reading other heart moms' blogs.
It's a beautiful day up in heaven.
We incorporated a special reading about HLHS into the service that I want to share. I found this from reading other heart moms' blogs.
It's a beautiful day up in heaven.
Jesus is rounding up his tiniest angels, to go live on earth, and be born.
One of the sweetest angels says to Jesus 'I don't want to leave, I like it here, and I will miss you'.
He reassures the scared little angel that everything will be okay, and that she is just going for a visit. She is still not swayed on this idea. So Jesus kneels down, and says, 'How about if you leave half of your heart here with me and take the other half with you, will that be okay?'
The angel smiles and says, 'I guess that will work'. But the little angel is still a little scared. She asks, 'Will I be okay with only half of my heart?'
Jesus replies, 'Of course you will, I have other angels there that will help out, and you will be fine.' Then Jesus gives the angel more details about his plan. He says 'When you are born, your mommy will be scared, so you have to be strong, and when you feel weak just remember that I have the other half of your heart. Enjoy your time with your family, and when it is time to come back to heaven, I will make your heart whole again. Always remember that you are not broken, just torn between two loves.'
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Claire's (long) Birth Story
I have a few posts that I'll probably post today, but I'll keep them in order, so I'll start with Claire's birth story. Tuesday morning around 3AM I woke up to go to the bathroom and was cramping a little. I shrugged it off to gas, but as I was walking to the bathroom I felt a trickle and felt like I had wet my pants. Again, I shrugged that off, because in class they tell you that you'll know when your water breaks, it will be a gush of fluid. I laid back down and the cramping continued. I was able to fall back asleep, but got up again around 6AM to continued cramping. I showered thinking I would go to work and see how things went. After losing some more fluid and my mucus plug I decided to call the doctor's office just in case. They wanted me to come in right away, since I was delivering in Iowa City which is a good hour away.
I finished getting ready and headed to the doctor's office. The doctor checked me and confirmed that my water had broken and I was 3 cm dilated. I was shocked. She said I needed to call Brad because we needed to get to Iowa City ASAP. They hooked me up for a quick non-stress test to see how often I was contracting, which wasn't very often, so I was able to ride to the hospital with Brad as opposed to going in an ambulance.
We got to the hospital around 11 and they started me on pitocin right away. I also had to have a penicillin IV because I had tested positive for Group B Strep. We had doctors/cardiologists coming in and asking questions because they needed to know what the plan was. We confirmed we were going the "comfort care" route and wanted to be able to hold her and spend as much time with her as possible.
I labored pretty easily from about 11 to 4 or so. I thought I was doing well breathing through the contractions and asked to be checked for progress again. The doctor said I was only about 4 cm. That was very discouraging. I was given some nubain to take a little of the edge off. It helped between contractions but did nothing to lessen the pain. It also made me pretty groggy. I believe around 6 or so I caved and got the epidural. I was all about going natural, but the pain was just too much and I knew I still had a ways to go. That helped tremendously. I still felt the contractions but was able to easily breathe through them and relax a little. Both of our parents came into the room so we sat and chatted with them for a while.
Finally around 10pm, I was checked and was 10 cm and ready to start pushing. Little did I know that the pushing would continue for 4 hours! Thank God for the epidural! We pushed with just the nurse (Emily - who was amazing) for about an hour and then decided to take a break and let Claire try to come down a little more on her own. The doctor came in and checked me again and felt that Claire was face up which was why the pushing wasn't progressing as quickly as we thought it would. I continued pushing and trying to get her to come out on my own. Finally around 1 or 1:30 the doctors came in again and asked if I wanted a little help since it had been almost 24 hours since my water broke. I of course said yes, so with the help of forceps, Claire was delivered face up at 2:06AM.
We knew immediately that she hadn't made it. Her face was very blue and she wasn't crying. They gave her to me right way and let Brad cut the cord. She was beautiful. She had a ton of black hair, her daddy's bushy eyebrows and long fingers and toes and her mommy's nose and lips.
Our parents came in and we all took turns holding her and taking pictures. The nurses gave her a bath and dressed her in a beautiful knit dress. We then had a chaplain come in and give Claire a blessing. It was perfect. We held her for a little longer and then decided to get some sleep. Claire got to stay in the room with us all night and all day the next day. We couldn't have asked for more.
We decided to go home Wednesday evening. A big storm was coming and we knew we would be able to rest easier at home. Saying bye to Claire and watching the nurse carry her out of our room was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, and probably the hardest thing I ever will have to do. I can't even begin to describe the pain we felt knowing that we will never get to see or touch or hold her again. It's still painful, but I get through it knowing that this was God's plan and he knew all along that she would never have to suffer or feel any pain.
I have to finish this insanely long post by saying that the nurses and doctors at the hospital were absolutely wonderful. They listened to all of our requests and gave us hugs and told us how beautiful Claire was. They gave us so many things to remember Claire, I can't even begin to list them all. It was more than I ever could have imagined.
I finished getting ready and headed to the doctor's office. The doctor checked me and confirmed that my water had broken and I was 3 cm dilated. I was shocked. She said I needed to call Brad because we needed to get to Iowa City ASAP. They hooked me up for a quick non-stress test to see how often I was contracting, which wasn't very often, so I was able to ride to the hospital with Brad as opposed to going in an ambulance.
We got to the hospital around 11 and they started me on pitocin right away. I also had to have a penicillin IV because I had tested positive for Group B Strep. We had doctors/cardiologists coming in and asking questions because they needed to know what the plan was. We confirmed we were going the "comfort care" route and wanted to be able to hold her and spend as much time with her as possible.
I labored pretty easily from about 11 to 4 or so. I thought I was doing well breathing through the contractions and asked to be checked for progress again. The doctor said I was only about 4 cm. That was very discouraging. I was given some nubain to take a little of the edge off. It helped between contractions but did nothing to lessen the pain. It also made me pretty groggy. I believe around 6 or so I caved and got the epidural. I was all about going natural, but the pain was just too much and I knew I still had a ways to go. That helped tremendously. I still felt the contractions but was able to easily breathe through them and relax a little. Both of our parents came into the room so we sat and chatted with them for a while.
Finally around 10pm, I was checked and was 10 cm and ready to start pushing. Little did I know that the pushing would continue for 4 hours! Thank God for the epidural! We pushed with just the nurse (Emily - who was amazing) for about an hour and then decided to take a break and let Claire try to come down a little more on her own. The doctor came in and checked me again and felt that Claire was face up which was why the pushing wasn't progressing as quickly as we thought it would. I continued pushing and trying to get her to come out on my own. Finally around 1 or 1:30 the doctors came in again and asked if I wanted a little help since it had been almost 24 hours since my water broke. I of course said yes, so with the help of forceps, Claire was delivered face up at 2:06AM.
We knew immediately that she hadn't made it. Her face was very blue and she wasn't crying. They gave her to me right way and let Brad cut the cord. She was beautiful. She had a ton of black hair, her daddy's bushy eyebrows and long fingers and toes and her mommy's nose and lips.
Our parents came in and we all took turns holding her and taking pictures. The nurses gave her a bath and dressed her in a beautiful knit dress. We then had a chaplain come in and give Claire a blessing. It was perfect. We held her for a little longer and then decided to get some sleep. Claire got to stay in the room with us all night and all day the next day. We couldn't have asked for more.
We decided to go home Wednesday evening. A big storm was coming and we knew we would be able to rest easier at home. Saying bye to Claire and watching the nurse carry her out of our room was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, and probably the hardest thing I ever will have to do. I can't even begin to describe the pain we felt knowing that we will never get to see or touch or hold her again. It's still painful, but I get through it knowing that this was God's plan and he knew all along that she would never have to suffer or feel any pain.
I have to finish this insanely long post by saying that the nurses and doctors at the hospital were absolutely wonderful. They listened to all of our requests and gave us hugs and told us how beautiful Claire was. They gave us so many things to remember Claire, I can't even begin to list them all. It was more than I ever could have imagined.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Claire's Arrival
Well, I think I jinxed myself by posting about being full term. My water broke Tuesday morning around 3AM. After 23 hours of labor and almost 4 hours of pushing with a few breaks in between, Claire was born sleeping on 6/08 at 2:06AM. Her heart was not strong enough to make it through the long labor. She weighed 5 lbs. 8 oz. and was 19 inches long. She was beautiful. I will post more when I am ready, but I just wanted to update everyone. Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers along the way.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Full Term
I am officially full term today! Claire Bear feel free to come at any time now. We can't wait to meet you. Even though our time together will be short, we are going to make the most of every second! Plus, this 90-100 degree heat is unbearable when pregnant.
I can't really explain why, but I bought two maternity tops today. I don't have much that fits me right now, and I'm getting so sick of wearing the same thing every week or every other week. Maybe it's just a little retail therapy, who knows. My justification is that I will be able to wear them for future pregnancies, which will hopefully be sooner rather than later.
I can't really explain why, but I bought two maternity tops today. I don't have much that fits me right now, and I'm getting so sick of wearing the same thing every week or every other week. Maybe it's just a little retail therapy, who knows. My justification is that I will be able to wear them for future pregnancies, which will hopefully be sooner rather than later.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Random Ramblings
I'll apologize in advance. This is going to be a really random post. I've been pretty scatter-brained the last week or so. I think it's because I'm getting closer to my due date and things are starting to get really real.
Let's start with pregnancy progress. I had an appointment in Iowa City yesterday with the high risk OB. I went in expecting them to only measure me and listen to the baby's heartbeat after driving 2 hours round trip. Fortunately, I also had the Group B Strep test and they did an internal. Unfortunately, I am not dilated at all. Guess I need to keep walking.
I would also like to add a note relating to my thankful post a week or so back. I forgot to mention how thankful I am for my good friend, Andrea. She is a nurse and used to work in the PICU with very sick kids. She's seen her fair share of kids with HLHS. She has been a great source of information and experience. It's so nice to be able to talk to someone who truly understands the disease and will be completely open and honest about every aspect of it. We feel that our families don't truly get the severity of Claire's heart defect, and even if they do, they are looking through rose-colored glasses.
On that note, Brad and I are about 90% sure that we will not be pursuing the surgeries for our baby. Due to the other issues on top of the HLHS, surgery is not the best option for our situation. Even with the surgeries, her heart will never be fixed. They can only alter the way that it works. If she even qualified for and pulled through the first surgery, she would have a lifetime full of other surgeries and medical procedures. When I say lifetime, I mean the chances of her living to the age of 5 are pretty small, and that's if she would even qualify for the second and third surgeries. We've been praying for God to point us in the right direction and let us know what is best for Claire. Giving her a life free of pain and tubes and wires and medication, and full of love is where we have been led. God has a plan for Claire, and we trust in Him. Yes, she will still have an echocardiogram shortly after birth, and yes, we can still change our mind, but it is pretty important to us to have a plan set when we go in for her birth, so there are no split-second decisions to be made.
Knowing that Claire will probably only be with us for a short time, we have an appointment with the cemetery next week. It will help getting more information and maybe taking care of some things in advance instead of scrambling to take care of everything after she passes. The cemetery has an area called "Babyland." For some reason babyland seems so morbid to me, but that is where she will be buried.
I think there were even more random thoughts that I wanted to share, but I can't think of them right now. Hope you all have a great weekend.
Let's start with pregnancy progress. I had an appointment in Iowa City yesterday with the high risk OB. I went in expecting them to only measure me and listen to the baby's heartbeat after driving 2 hours round trip. Fortunately, I also had the Group B Strep test and they did an internal. Unfortunately, I am not dilated at all. Guess I need to keep walking.
I would also like to add a note relating to my thankful post a week or so back. I forgot to mention how thankful I am for my good friend, Andrea. She is a nurse and used to work in the PICU with very sick kids. She's seen her fair share of kids with HLHS. She has been a great source of information and experience. It's so nice to be able to talk to someone who truly understands the disease and will be completely open and honest about every aspect of it. We feel that our families don't truly get the severity of Claire's heart defect, and even if they do, they are looking through rose-colored glasses.
On that note, Brad and I are about 90% sure that we will not be pursuing the surgeries for our baby. Due to the other issues on top of the HLHS, surgery is not the best option for our situation. Even with the surgeries, her heart will never be fixed. They can only alter the way that it works. If she even qualified for and pulled through the first surgery, she would have a lifetime full of other surgeries and medical procedures. When I say lifetime, I mean the chances of her living to the age of 5 are pretty small, and that's if she would even qualify for the second and third surgeries. We've been praying for God to point us in the right direction and let us know what is best for Claire. Giving her a life free of pain and tubes and wires and medication, and full of love is where we have been led. God has a plan for Claire, and we trust in Him. Yes, she will still have an echocardiogram shortly after birth, and yes, we can still change our mind, but it is pretty important to us to have a plan set when we go in for her birth, so there are no split-second decisions to be made.
Knowing that Claire will probably only be with us for a short time, we have an appointment with the cemetery next week. It will help getting more information and maybe taking care of some things in advance instead of scrambling to take care of everything after she passes. The cemetery has an area called "Babyland." For some reason babyland seems so morbid to me, but that is where she will be buried.
I think there were even more random thoughts that I wanted to share, but I can't think of them right now. Hope you all have a great weekend.
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