Being pregnant after a loss sucks. It is so extremely hard. I know it's like this for anyone who has lost a baby no matter how far along they were.
My first trimester screening is tomorrow afternoon, and includes an ultrasound. I am having such anxiety about it, that my mood is horrible and I haven't been sleeping well. I am so worried that the baby will pop up on the screen and there will be no heartbeat. I even bought a doppler to ease my mind, and that has made me more crazy. I found the heartbeat pretty quickly the very first time I tried (Monday), but haven't been able to find it since. I am not a doctor, I am only 11W4D, and it's very possible that I have an anterior placenta again. I should be relieved that I found it at all, but of course I am not.
Why am I so worried about miscarrying? I carried a baby with a very severe heart defect to full-term. Really, I am just worried about losing another baby, because honestly, if I lost another baby I'm not sure how I could recover from that. I dont think I would. Losing Claire is hopefully the hardest thing I will have to go through in my life. Losing another baby is unimaginable to me.
Brad of course tries to reassure me that everything is ok. I'm still having symptoms, I clearly have a belly. He's so optimistic. He doesn't understand why I am so worried. I will be worried until this baby comes out screaming! I will update either tomorrow night or Saturday. "Today I am pregnant and I love my baby."
Angie sending you lots of good thoughts. And I love your closing quote, that is all you can hold onto in any pregnancy!!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you- sending good thoughts for your appointment!
ReplyDeleteOMG! I come to check on your periodically and I had no idea. Yay yay yay! I am so happy for you I have tears of joy. I hope your screening went well. I hope you do not mind me letting the June ladies know of your amazing news. I know God has Amazing plans for this little bundle you are carrying and that your family will enjoy him/her so very much! Keep us updated :)
ReplyDeleteI can relate. I had a miscarriage before my little boy was born in July. I worried all the way through the first and then 3rd trimesters. Your feelings are so valid and it is awesome that you are talking and writing through them. Good luck lady.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm late to this... All of your feelings are justified and understandable. I didn't carry my baby to term, but you are correct, a pregnancy after a loss is so different. I don't think there is anything that can make these feelings go away. I do believe that verbalizing them helps though, so I'm glad you posted.
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