Next Time Around

When you're told by doctors to "plan for the worst," you can't help but think about when you will try again. I know some people may decide to take plenty of time to grieve and heal emotionally and physically, but we know that if we do lose Claire, we will start trying again as soon as we get the OK from the doctors. I know that there was nothing that I did that caused Claire's heart problems, and that her heart has been underdeveloped since some time between weeks 6-10, but I've already decided that there are things I will do differently in the first tri-mester next time around. I will absolutely not get a flu shot until I am at least 13 weeks, I will stay away from all caffeine, and I will try to avoid the fumes from all cleaning products. I know I can't live in a bubble, but I will do everything in my power to have our future children be as healthy as possible.

Let me just add that I LOVE my midwife! I was dead set on having a natural birth before all of this happened , so I've been seeing the midwives at the doctor office from the beginning. There are a few of them, but I've been seeing the same one since 20 weeks. She was the one who had to give us the news that things didn't look right. She's also become like a counselor to me. I don't have to continue seeing her, but I choose to. She is someone who I can simply sit there and talk to and cry with. She told me this week that when we get pregnant again, I will have to start out having all of my appointments in Iowa City. They will want to monitor the baby much more closely from the beginning in order to diagnose any heart/genetic problems as early as possible. She said she will gladly see me as well, as often as I want, even if it's just to talk or have lunch. She is just amazing.

Good and Bad Days

As expected, I have good and bad days with dealing with all of this. Today was a good day. I stayed busy at work and hardly thought about what the future holds for us and Claire. Monday, on the other hand, was a very bad day.

Let me start off by saying that the abundance of cards, emails, phone calls, etc. that we've received mean the world to us. I'm honestly amazed at the kindness of some people. I'm not going to lie, I cry every time I open another card and read the thoughtful things that people say. Monday was just a little overwhelming. When I got home from work we had a package on the front porch from my aunt. I opened it up and it was full of onesies and newborn outfits. I know she means well, but opening that up just tore me apart. It made me so sad that these cute little outfits may never be worn by our baby girl, that they may sit in her room in the box for God knows how long. To me they are one of the constant reminders that our baby may be with us for only a very short time.

My Grandpa also called me on Monday just to let us know that they think about us everyday and are praying for us. I still get emotional having to talk to others about it, so you can only imagine how that phone conversation went.

As far as updates, I really have none. We had another ultrasound last week and didn't see anything new, which I guess is a good thing. We don't have another ultrasound and fetal echo until May 11th. At that time we should have a much better plan for when the delivery will take place and somewhat of an idea what to expect after she is born.

What To Say

We live on a small, quiet cul-de-sac. There are about 7 houses on our street. One of the ladies puts together a list of everyone's names, addresses and phone numbers and hands them out every spring. Yesterday we were outside with the dog and she came over to get our information since we're the new people on the street. She noticed I was pregnant and asked all the usual questions - when I'm due, do we know what we're having, do we have a name picked out, etc. She then asked where I was delivering. I told her we were delivering in Iowa City because they found some problems with her heart. She said something along the lines of, "You know that happens a lot and most of the time it's nothing. It's when they still have the problem at 5 years old that it's a problem." We just kind of shrugged it off and said we're hoping for the best. Little does she know that our little girl will have this problem her entire life. It will never get better.

Part of me just wishes that no one could tell I was pregnant and then I wouldn't have to answer any of these questions. It pains me every time we have to talk about it. I can't even begin to imagine what it will be like if we don't get to bring her home. What questions will people ask when it's July, August, etc. and you have no baby and clearly aren't pregnant anymore? How will I respond? There's so much uncertainty. June can't come fast enough. If she's suffering I want it to be over for her, but then again if she's strong and can push through, then we want to give her every chance to be a fighter. I guess we will have our answers in about 10 weeks.