Florida

Brad and I just got back from a much-needed vacation to Clearwater Beach, Florida. It was a quick 4-day trip, but we had a good time. Of course we sat down on the plane and a girl with a baby, probably about the age that Claire should be, sits down across the aisle from us. I handled it well, even after an older couple said something to us along the lines of, "that will be you guys someday." Little do they know that that should be us right now, but of course we just smiled and said, "yep." Claire would have loved the ocean, but we know she was there with us. We brought her back a seashell and put it by her headstone.

I must say I've handled all of this pretty well. I was quite worried about depression even before Claire was born. I could have easily gone to that dark place, but I wouldn't and won't let myself. We are meant to have a family and in order to do that I need to stay strong and keep myself physically and mentally healthy. That's what keeps me going.

I've had people tell me that I'm so strong. I don't really know what to say to that. I still cry. I still question why this happened to her and why she's not here with us. I still have flashbacks of the nurse carrying her away for good underneath a blanket, wondering to myself why she had to cover her up, and then realizing that it's so no one else has to see our dead baby. That is the most traumatic thing I will ever go through in my life. That image will never be erased from my memory. I continue to tell myself everyday that God has a plan for us. I stay "strong" so I can carry out that plan.