Florida

Brad and I just got back from a much-needed vacation to Clearwater Beach, Florida. It was a quick 4-day trip, but we had a good time. Of course we sat down on the plane and a girl with a baby, probably about the age that Claire should be, sits down across the aisle from us. I handled it well, even after an older couple said something to us along the lines of, "that will be you guys someday." Little do they know that that should be us right now, but of course we just smiled and said, "yep." Claire would have loved the ocean, but we know she was there with us. We brought her back a seashell and put it by her headstone.

I must say I've handled all of this pretty well. I was quite worried about depression even before Claire was born. I could have easily gone to that dark place, but I wouldn't and won't let myself. We are meant to have a family and in order to do that I need to stay strong and keep myself physically and mentally healthy. That's what keeps me going.

I've had people tell me that I'm so strong. I don't really know what to say to that. I still cry. I still question why this happened to her and why she's not here with us. I still have flashbacks of the nurse carrying her away for good underneath a blanket, wondering to myself why she had to cover her up, and then realizing that it's so no one else has to see our dead baby. That is the most traumatic thing I will ever go through in my life. That image will never be erased from my memory. I continue to tell myself everyday that God has a plan for us. I stay "strong" so I can carry out that plan.

CMN

We had memorials for Claire sent to the Children's Miracle Network. We raised over $2,000 by the way! Thank you to everyone! Anytime we get the chance to donate to them, we will. Donations to the CMN in Iowa City helped provide the hospital with new equipment for the heart babies, so it's important to us to help them out in any way we can. Dairy Queen is having a special today where $1 from every Blizzard purchase goes to your local CMN. I know not everyone likes Dairy Queen, but come on, it's for a good cause. You can go to the website and look up which of your local Dairy Queens is participating.

http://miracletreatday.com/

A Rainbow

This week is the big fair in our area. You can pay $40 ahead of time and get a ticket that will get you into the fair and a concert every night. The concerts this year are really good - Blake Shelton, Miranda Lambert, etc. so we will probably be going almost every night. Last night was Joe Nichols. It was about 100 degrees and sunny all day, not a drop of rain. Right before we were going into the concert, there was a half rainbow in the sky that lasted about 5 minutes. I am convinced that it was a sign from Claire telling us it is ok to have another baby so soon, to start trying for our rainbow baby.

Here is the definition of a rainbow baby:
Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

That pretty much says it all. Although I know we will worry, we can't wait for our rainbow baby.