Florida

Brad and I just got back from a much-needed vacation to Clearwater Beach, Florida. It was a quick 4-day trip, but we had a good time. Of course we sat down on the plane and a girl with a baby, probably about the age that Claire should be, sits down across the aisle from us. I handled it well, even after an older couple said something to us along the lines of, "that will be you guys someday." Little do they know that that should be us right now, but of course we just smiled and said, "yep." Claire would have loved the ocean, but we know she was there with us. We brought her back a seashell and put it by her headstone.

I must say I've handled all of this pretty well. I was quite worried about depression even before Claire was born. I could have easily gone to that dark place, but I wouldn't and won't let myself. We are meant to have a family and in order to do that I need to stay strong and keep myself physically and mentally healthy. That's what keeps me going.

I've had people tell me that I'm so strong. I don't really know what to say to that. I still cry. I still question why this happened to her and why she's not here with us. I still have flashbacks of the nurse carrying her away for good underneath a blanket, wondering to myself why she had to cover her up, and then realizing that it's so no one else has to see our dead baby. That is the most traumatic thing I will ever go through in my life. That image will never be erased from my memory. I continue to tell myself everyday that God has a plan for us. I stay "strong" so I can carry out that plan.

CMN

We had memorials for Claire sent to the Children's Miracle Network. We raised over $2,000 by the way! Thank you to everyone! Anytime we get the chance to donate to them, we will. Donations to the CMN in Iowa City helped provide the hospital with new equipment for the heart babies, so it's important to us to help them out in any way we can. Dairy Queen is having a special today where $1 from every Blizzard purchase goes to your local CMN. I know not everyone likes Dairy Queen, but come on, it's for a good cause. You can go to the website and look up which of your local Dairy Queens is participating.

http://miracletreatday.com/

A Rainbow

This week is the big fair in our area. You can pay $40 ahead of time and get a ticket that will get you into the fair and a concert every night. The concerts this year are really good - Blake Shelton, Miranda Lambert, etc. so we will probably be going almost every night. Last night was Joe Nichols. It was about 100 degrees and sunny all day, not a drop of rain. Right before we were going into the concert, there was a half rainbow in the sky that lasted about 5 minutes. I am convinced that it was a sign from Claire telling us it is ok to have another baby so soon, to start trying for our rainbow baby.

Here is the definition of a rainbow baby:
Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

That pretty much says it all. Although I know we will worry, we can't wait for our rainbow baby.

Busy Day

We've been waiting for a few things regarding Claire, and guess what, they all came within two days of each other. The first thing we got was the proof for Claire's headstone and it was perfect! We decided to have "Forever In Our Hearts" written within two hearts as well as her name and birthday. I will post a picture when everything is all said and done with it. We also received a list of the people who donated to the Iowa City Children's Miracle Network. I was touched to find that people from my previous employer donated. I stay in touch with a few people there, but I didn't expect that at all. Last, but not least, we finally received the pictures from the photographer who came in to take pictures of Claire while we were in the hospital. Man, she was beautiful. It's so nice to have those pictures. Pictures are the only thing that we will have to remember all of her precious features.

I was so happy to receive all of these, but it was a lot all at once. It's like you're life is semi-normal again and then all of a sudden you relive everything all over again. We will push through, because that's just what you have to do.

The Best Is Yet To Come

So today was another sad day, my birthday. I would have loved to spend the day playing with my baby girl, but it wasn't meant to be that way. Instead we spent the afternoon at Brad's company picnic, which was a good time, then we went out for dinner.

My grandparents sent me a card that couldn't have been more perfect. I'll admit it made me cry. My grandma likes to underline lines of the card for emphasis. You know how grandmas are. :) But one of the lines she underlined made me smile. "Some of your best joys are yet to come." This is something I need to keep telling myself everyday. We will have more babies and they will be healthy and we will get to share all the milestones with them. Claire is our best joy, but there will be more to come! Thank you grandma and grandpa for the perfect card.

1 Month

Happy 1 month birthday Claire!

I've been wanting to post a picture of Claire for a while now, but was afraid some people might get a little creeped out. Well, I decided I don't care. We want everyone to see how beautiful she was. This picture is our favorite. It was taken shortly after she was born.



The hospital had a photographer come in and take a bunch of professional pictures for us as well. We should be getting those in the next day or two. I will probably post some of those when we get them.

Back to Work

Today I went back to work (4 weeks postpartum). Adam Sandler singing "back to school, back to school" is stuck in my head now. Anyway, it wasn't as bad as I had imagined. I was busy, but not overwhelmed and I didn't doze off at my desk once! I have a feeling I'll just get right back into the swing of things as if I wasn't gone for a month. That seems to be how things are after Claire. This past month has been a blur and now everything is coming back into focus, back to how it was before Claire was born. I will still think about her all the time, but I thought about her all the time before she was born too.

Brad and I were talking about how fast the last 4 weeks have gone. He made the comment about how if she was here with us, the 4 weeks probably would have dragged on. We would be zombies right now from lack of sleep with all the late night feedings and changings. Although I enjoy my sleep very much, I would give anything to have her here and healthy.

After losing Claire, we have unfortunately found out that quite a few people we know have lost a baby. My great-grandmother had a stillborn daughter who was born on my birthday. How ironic! My aunt's first daughter was stillborn. My aunt has been a great support for me. She lives in Arizona and honestly we weren't super close. (That happens when you see someone once a year if that.) She flew out for Claire's service and as soon as I saw her I broke down. I know it was so hard for her to relive the loss of her daughter, yet she wanted to be there for us. It's amazing how experiencing a loss like this brings you closer to people.

I also wanted to mention this blog - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Blog. It's a great way to find blogs of other moms with angel babies.